i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
