Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
