I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
