and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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