John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
