I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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