Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
