So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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