i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
