Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
