I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
