positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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