New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
