I am in a vortex of obligation.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
