Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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