I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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