Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
why do cheetos always look like penises
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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