the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
