Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
