you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
