why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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