I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
