hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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