If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
