I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
