oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
