when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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