if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
