my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
