Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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