I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
