So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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