Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
