We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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