i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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