well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
