yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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