well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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