She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
