Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
