it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
