you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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