woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
