Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
