If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
ttyl tear gas
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
