I CAN MOONWALK!
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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