I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
