I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
