What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
