No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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